Family Affairs

HOW TO DEAL WITH TICKS

2009-11-07T04:00:00.000-08:00

Well. In my opinion the best thing to do if you find a large lump on your cat or dog is to throw your pet away and start again.

My friends are always going on about finding ticks on their dogs. I imagined it was like a louse. Small unattractive innocuous crawly thing that could be squeezed between fingernails in a satisfying way to the death.

But no. We found a lump on my cat. I thought it was a cancerous growth. My daughter said it was a tick. We googled it and she was right. "Tick" is SO not the right word for this creature. IT'S REVOLTING. Like something out of a horror film. HUGE fat albino body engorged with blood. It's so bloated that you can't even see it's head anymore - just lots of little legs sticking out of it. It was the size of a pea.

Instructions to remove were as follows:-

Wear gloves.

Use tweezers. Make sure you grasp it as close to the head as possible and do not twist. Just pull straight out. Important not to leave the head imbedded in the skin.

Put the creature straight into alcohol. It will be dead within 10 minutes.

It was curiously satisfying to watch this revolting creature slowly die from alchohol poisoning.

My mother, on the other hand was horrified. "Darling, get a grip. When we lived in Africa I was always removing them and do you remember when your brother had all those maggots in his head". She was the pinnacle of calm until I told her that my choice of eradication was death by alcohol:-

"You used what?"
VODKA????
WHAT A WASTE!!
You won't be able to drink that vodka now it's got a tick in it.
"I wasn't planning on drinking it, it's only an inch, I'm going to throw it away"
"Throw it away! What a waste! How ridiculous.

IN FUTURE ALWAYS USE BOILING WATER.

"Oh. OK then. Calm down - get a grip yourself"

Then my teenage son appeared.

"OMG Where did you get that bottle of vodka?
Can I have it?
You haven't wasted any on that creature have you?

Good grief.

I am surrounded by alcoholics.

Here, in all it's glory is what it looked like. Just so you know:-

BRING BACK "SESAME STREET"

2009-11-07T03:59:00.001-08:00

There was an online article about Sesame Street yesterday. I hadn't realised that it was a UK decision to simply stop showing it here. I have taken some of the article to include in this post:-

It's one of the most popular children's TV programmes in history, so WHY can we not watch it here?

I was brought up on Sesame Street because we lived in Hong Kong. It is without doubt the best children's television going. It's funny, inclusive, educational, clever and topical. Few children's programmes have enjoyed such global popularity.

Today, Sesame Street is broadcast in about 140 countries and works on a franchise basis - with local versions that focus on particular cultural perspectives. A condition of its foreign licensing is that non-US versions of the show reflect the morals and traditions of the host nation. So Sesame characters have been used to promote HIV awareness in South Africa, bridge the sectarian divide in Belfast and teach youngsters in the Middle East about tolerance.

And why is the BBC still not interested?
The controller of six-and-unders channel CBeebies, Michael Carrington, says it has other shows which cover similar learning themes and values.

"It's television's most organic show, always looking for new developments in education and culture. I'm also impressed by the way the show has travelled and created adaptations to reflect the needs of other cultures. It's one of America's finest exports."

A look at the list of guests for the forthcoming 41st season suggests there are still names with some international appeal - actresses Sarah Jessica Parker and Eva Longoria, and comedians Ricky Gervais and Adam Sandler.
Previously the likes of Billy Joel, Kofi Annan and Beyonce have graced the street, to the delight of parents. Comedian Robin Williams appeared six times, including a memorable appearance in 2000 telling Elmo some imaginative uses of a stick.

Tim Teeman, television critic at the Times, says he loved it as a child.
"I don't know if I learnt anything but I felt like I was learning something. If you grew up in a boring, white British environment, it showed you a place with black faces, different cultures and creeds and people living together in harmony.
"It was the first time I ever saw New York and it looked like this really cool place. This street where everyone knew each other's names. It introduced all kinds of things to kids, like community, getting along with different kinds of people and learning about issues."

Part of its success was due to the way it did not talk down to children, says Mr Teeman.
"We had Blue Peter, which was like learning at the feet of a very strict headmistress. Children are talked down to on Blue Peter - 'Do this and do that and this is what we've learned' but Sesame Street says 'Come on in, we're all the same here'
"This notion of equality about age, race and gender is great because as a child, there are so many barriers between you and the adult world."

But homegrown global successes, such as the Teletubbies, probably contributed to its demise, he says. British television simply became adept at making such shows and stopped looking to America for inspiration.
"Also, kids are a bit more knowing now, so would probably think 'Who's that annoying Big Bird?'
"The great genius of Jim Henson and his workshop was that they made something that doesn't date, in my opinion, but maybe for today's generation of children they want something quicker and flashier.
"Sesame Street has a DIY aesthetic, which I love, but people don't identify with that any more."

I don't agree. I think our children should still be able to watch it.

BRING IT BACK.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GORGEOUS DAUGHTER

2009-11-07T00:12:00.000-08:00

So we are rapidly heading for a collision of magnificent proportions in my household. My new fourteen year old daughter's raging hormones mixed with my menopausal ones. What a scary combination that will be.

I think she had a lovely day. It all went well. She opened her presents with her family all present, although older brother was barely there (virtually asleep on table) and offering lots of useful comments:-

"A BAG? Why do you want a bag. It's exactly like all your other bags".

"A BOOK on make-up? OMG That must be the most boring book on the planet. Why would anybody want to read that?"

and she'd even given him strict instructions on what to buy her....some sort of make-up with a specific name:

"What do you mean I bought the wrong one - surely "Warm Sand" and "Warm Ivory" are the same?

Her lovely 9 year old brother had bought her four things, all bought by himself and carefully wrapped and he'd made another wonderful cake:-

She had a great day at school. They all sang Happy Birthday to her at lunchtime. I had to walk across a park to meet her after her netball match. I saw her walking towards me - she was a tiny dot in the distance and it just brought all the memories of her being a tiny newborn baby flooding back and I got all emotional about it and so in order to compose myself again as she got closer I started doing a little run towards her - arms outstretched interlaced with little star jumps and side kicks just to really really embarrass her and finally, slightly out of breath when I reached her she said "mum. You're SOOO cute", which wasn't the response I was expecting.

She'd had loads of handmade cards from all her friends at school. Girls of that age are so caring and thoughtful and emotional. One friend must have written her name out 200 times, they all said variations of "OMG, you are the bestest, most beautiful, funny, gorgeous friend in the whole wide world and I love you SOOOO much, you will be my friend forever and u r just so special and so on and so forth. Weird.

Our evening meal out worked well too. My newly married brother and sister-in-law came and diffused all the stress. My ex husband and I managed to engage in several conversations relatively successfully. There were 9 of us in total. I was a bit cross that he made me pay for the whole thing. I thought we should have shared it. Anway. Nevermind. She has two friends here to stay the night and I think she's happy, happy, happy.

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE

2009-11-05T11:21:00.000-08:00

This really is all very tedious. Here I am trying to keep the wolves from the door but no matter how many bolts/locks/planks of wood/bits of cotton wool in ears/LA LA LA'S I use, Deeply Unpleasant Stuff is still getting through. Oozing in. Under the floorboards, through the airways, out of the mouths of my children. It is impossible to avoid. This "situation" of mine. IT JUST WON'T BLOODY GO AWAY.

I had the most monumental row with my ex husband yesterday. It seems so sad. We were actually getting on quite well at the beginning of the year. It has now gone spectacularly wrong.

Our argument started as a fairly typical divorce issue. A tug-of-war over a child for their birthday attention.
It's my daughter's birthday tomorrow. He is coming over in the morning for breakfast to watch her open her presents and I have invited him out for dinner tomorrow night with all of us. Two days ago he announced that he also wanted to take her out on his own and that he'd like to have her stay the night with him and wake up at his house for her birthday.

"NO BLOODY WAY" was my immediate reaction. Which was a natural but not very reasonable response. So. I tried to be more grown up about it. I decided that this was not an appropriate or fair response and that it would be great for him to have her wake up at his house for her birthday. So I asked her what she wanted to do. She immediately said she wanted to wake up in her own bed at my house. "Fine" I said and passed the message on. Unfortunately when she spoke to him, because she didn't want to upset him she told him that I was the one who wanted her to stay at my house. Great. Thanks. Understandable, but not very helpful and I was put in a very difficult position.

He rang me about it and was cross. He told me that I should be more supportive. I told him that I hadn't influenced her decision and that we had to recognise that children say different things to each parent in an effort to keep the peace and that she had wanted to stay here (which frankly was bloody obvious - she's a 14 year old girl who wants her own bed). He disagreed. He called me a liar. He said "given everything that's been going on I don't believe you. I'm sorry".

"Everything that's been going on" turned out to be a reference to my previous relationship with Builder Bloke. Because, although he's never met him, he rants on and on about him as if he is the most evil, devious, lying, should burn in hell man on the planet.

I objected to being called a liar and so it kicked off.

First I told him that I didn't think he was in any position to accuse another man of lying when he'd lied constantly to me over a period of time whilst he was having his affair and that in my opinion lies don't get much worse than that.

Then after he told me he'd only had an affair because I had been "such a shit" in our marriage, we moved on to his new relationship and how it was affecting everything. I told him that I was feeling pretty pissed off with life. That because of his ongoing relationship with Builder Bloke's ex wife he had successfully managed to ruin my life for the second time as I am now on my own again. He laughed and told me that I had been told that by BB - that they were clearly not my own thoughts.

He also said he'd "done me a favour" because he is such an appalling man.

HE'S NEVER MET HIM.

I am F*CKING FURIOUS. I am trying very hard to rise above it all but there are so many influences that just keep dragging us all back down into the mud.

All I asked him to do was be aware of how I felt. I asked him to acknowledge that I was finding the whole situation difficult and that there was no getting away from it for me because of the children's involvement. He refused to do that. He honestly seems to think that his relationship is irrelevant to the situation we currently all find ourselves in. I'm glad I've told him how I feel but don't think for a minute that he'll be able to see my point of view.

I accused him of being totally blinkered and selfish and that all I wanted was a bit of understanding and an acknowledgment of how I was feeling and THEN he said "are you threatening me?".

WTF???? So I called him a twat and hung up.

This is really an awful situation. I just don't know how to resolve it. BB is still having to deal with a furious ex wife. Why can't they just get on with being deliriously happy in a new relationship and stop spitting chips left right and centre. It's just so damaging and negative.

My street-wise friend advised me to talk to my daughter. I told her that her father didn't believe me and that she needed to tell him the truth. I then gave her the options again. " I really don't mind if you spend the night at his house. We could all come over with your presents in the morning and have breakfast there" (how grown up was that?).
"No mum, I really want to stay at home" she said. So we discussed the situation and I told her that honesty was the best policy and that she should always be true to herself and not worry about trying to please both parents. It must be a nightmare for children of separated families to try and keep everybody happy. I suspect he'll still think I was lying and that I've manipulated the situation but I can't do anything about that.

I thought things were meant to get easier. This is an ongoing nightmare. Everyone has lost the plot.

I just don't know what to do.

"ME AND MISS M" BY JEMMA FORTE

2009-11-05T02:47:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to a book launch. Not just any book launch you understand, but the launch of new novel written by one of the girls in our book group.

She is the latest addition to our book group. Ridiculously young and gorgeous and enthusiastic and clever and I am SO jealous.

The event was in Waterstone's in The King's Road. It was packed. She was in her element and we all bought at least one book for her to sign. We then went next door to Pizza Express and had a post launch party downstairs.

JOHNNY VAUGHAN WAS THERE!! He even mentioned it on the radio this morning.

I am so proud of her and although I haven't read the book yet, it's being released today, so I wanted to mention it.

Maybe you could look out for it.

This is what the blurb on the back says:-

Struggling actress Fran has always had stars in her eyes but with a part in a car insurance ad as her only claim to fame, making it big is starting to look unlikely.

So taking a job as PA to Caroline Mason - one half of Hollywood's most famous couple - seems like a fantastic opportunity. Especially when Fran's first encounter with Caroline's sexy, Oscar-winning boyfriend involves him wearing nothing but a tiny towel.....

But Fran's new job is far from glamourous as she spends her days fetching neverending venti quattro decaff skinny lattes and being an all-round slave to a demanding, botoxed diva. And when the job starts costing Fran her friends and the man of her dreams, she has to ask herself - is it really worth it?

The time has come for Miss M to find out a few home truths, and for Fran to win back her Mr Right....

MUMMY BLOGGERS

2009-11-04T01:14:00.000-08:00

What a great article India Knight wrote in the Sunday Times magazine all about Women's Blogging. I sent her a tweet. It said "Great article. Thanks for explaining why I blog. I shall photocopy and hand to parents when they next ask me wtf I'm doing".

It really did put my little blog into a greater perspective and it was interesting to read that in her opinion the rise of the "mummy blogger is as epoch-defining as anything that Marilyn French or Betty Freidan every came up with". Perhaps she's right and it's the new modern "sisterhood - or a disparate, chaotic, joke-loving version of it".

I agree wholeheartedly with everything she wrote. About how the online world has provided a voice to the ordinary woman. About "where there was isolation, there is kinship and solidarity, where there was bleakness there is humour, where there was need, there is help offereed, where there was sadness, there is support".

Without doubt, my blog has helped me get through my ongoing trauma of divorce. When I started, my blog was a sad little voice in the wilderness. In a tentative and terrified gesture I threw it out there and echoes slowly began to resonate back to me. It took a while, but eventually I found that the blogosphere provided an enormous safety net for me. A place in which I felt able to vent my anger and peel back the layers of my grief without being judged. In the two and a half years I have been blogging I have had one nasty comment and several irrelevant comments - other than that I have had nothing but well considered advice and support. I have made many new friends. I have been to Disneyworld with six other fantastic bloggers. I WILL get to meet my African blog mates one day. It has played a very big part in allowing me to find my sense of self again. As India points out I have felt "supported, befriended and not alone". For anybody thinking about starting one - just do it. It is not about being able to write. It is about the response you get with the comments. It is about being part of a new modern community.

I too have had my moments with my children. From time to time they think I'm a loser with imaginary friends and when I talked about meeting some blog mates they were horrified. They thought I was going to be kidnapped by a fat pervy old bloke in a bedsit and disappear forever. But isn't that the point? We as parents are fearful of the web for our children because we don't understand it. We are worried about their Facebook friends and comments. About who they talk to. But why should it be any different from blogging? Why shouldn't we embrace the global possiblities our little lives have to offer? As India says "blogging presents very 21st century opportunities for new friendships, both real and online". My African cyber connections have already allowed me to meet and have dinner with a Doctor when I was in Lusaka (which has resulted in the fact that I am now helping get football kit out to Zambia for several teams) and the safari in the Luangwa Valley I went on with my father this summer was chosen because of my blog friends.

I have made many friends abroad as a result of my blog and I believe there are huge possibilities to do extraordinary things through cyberspace. Sometime soon we will do more than write articles about products and places - the PR companies recognise that collectively we are a force to be reckoned with - we might have little voices, but we can make a bloody big noise if you put us together. According to the marketing world, we are the ones who can make things happen. The ones who book the holidays, buy the products, make the decisions.

Imagine all that power collectively? Imagine organsing whole schools of our children to swap places for a week? Imagine our own area twinned with an African city? Imagine us organsing our friends and family to go and mend walls, dig holes, educate children, teach sewing, reading, dancing, heart surgery and imagine what people in other countries could come and teach us?

We could actually Make A Difference.

I for one am very excited about the possibilities.

BIRTHDAY CAKE

2009-11-03T14:58:00.000-08:00

I have just had dinner in my old, (much bigger) house. It was the house we had to sell when our marriage broke down. The last house we lived in all together as a family.

I don't suppose it's that common to sell a house and then get invited back into it. Normally, once you've sold a property, that's it, you never go back....but bizarrely the couple who bought our house became friends and then tonight another mutual friend had a birthday celebration there and so I was invited to the party.

We had a lovely evening. It didn't feel at all strange to be back. Which either means that I am finally moving on or that my brain cells have melted and I can't remember anything anymore.

My 9 year old son made a cake in honour of her birthday, but it wasn't quite up to his usual standard. I tried to look impressed, but he could see straight though me and frankly I think he was a little disappointed himself. "Sorry mum" he said, "but what you've got to remember is that I'm a nine year old boy and not Jamie Oliver, so what do you expect!"

Good point.

BACK TO SCHOOL

2009-11-02T14:57:00.001-08:00

Kids all back to school today after another marathon three week half term...and only SIX WEEKS to go before they break up a-bloody-gain.

Why is it that everything has to be done on the Sunday evening about 9.30pm? Suddenly clothes appear to be washed and ironed and homework emerges that they'd promised faithfully had been done during the holidays.

My oldest son was freaking out. As it turned out, he had a shed load to do and I was deeply unimpressed. He needed my help. "Mum, I distinctly remember my teacher saying that it would be completely fine for us to pay our parents £5.00 to do the essay for us."

...and I was thinking "It's going to take a lot more than £5.00 if you want me to fall for that old chestnut....

The Halloween drama regarding my youngest child that I mentioned yesterday has been resolved. I decided to talk to the dad about it and he was lovely. Very sorry it had happened. It was an oversight. He talked to my son about it and invited him round to play after school so he's fine with it all. PHEW.

In an attempt to regain some semblance of calm before I start teaching again tomorrow I went to my friend's yoga class this morning. I had very quickly painted my toenails before taking my kids to school because I knew I was going to have to display my feet. I did them really badly and in a hurry. I then without thinking put on my Ugg Boots with no socks a little bit too early. This meant that during the "Down Dog" I had to keep looking at my little furry toenails and trying not to laugh.

BLACK IS THE NEW BLACK

2009-11-02T05:46:00.000-08:00

I am delighted to report after having spent hours and hours in Top Shop recently with my daughter that black is definitely back.

This is very good news because most of my wardrobe is monochrome.

We need layers which can disguise the leggings and Biker boots or those lace up "Orphan Annie" boots. Which is also good news for me because I simply can't walk about in high heels - having spent my youth stomping about in Doctor Martin's I am very happy.

Obviously I will not look remotely trendy - it's more the Goth look the fashionistas are going for - no doubt thanks to all the Vampire films that are hot at the moment.

But I don't care.

HALLOWEEN DISAPPOINTMENT

2009-11-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

What do you do when your child is deeply upset because he thinks that he was the only boy in the class not to be invited to a Halloween party?

He was so looking forward to going Trick or Treating with all his friends. He met them all, having been told by one of the boys that they'd all be at a local venue and it turned out they'd already all been out collecting sweets together and were going off to a house party.

He was gutted. He was left to go out on his own with his dad.

Sometimes being a parent is so hard. It just makes your heart ache with sadness when something like this happens - I don't know why he was left out. The boy whose party it was is one of his good friends. I know his parents well. I'm sure they didn't mean to leave him out but I just don't understand.

I don't know if I should ask what happened or just let it go.

HALLOWEEN

2009-10-31T05:39:00.000-07:00

It seems remarkably popular this year. I suppose the reason for all the parties is because it's fallen on a Saturday at the end of half term. Our local party shop looks to be doing huge business. Particularly fortuitous for retailers.

Having been brought up in Hong Kong, where we were hugely influenced by the US, I've been used to big Halloween festivities all my life and during my subsequent time in the UK with the children it has become an increasingly bigger event each year. Locally now some of our streets make a huge effort. Parents dress up, things leap out from behind walls, sweets are a plenty. As you can imagine, for those of you who know my youngest son, Halloween is on par with his birthday and Christmas. He has been planning his route for maximum swag for months.

I am therefore disappointed. It's not my weekend to have the children. So here are my options:-

1. Stay at home on own and hand out sweets to children that come to my door.
2. Sit in pitch black house eating bag loads of sweets and pretend I'm out when children knock on the door.
3. Dress up in a witch's costume and go out and attach myself to random group of children or stalk my own children
4. Go "trick or treating" by myself and try and get away with pretending to be under 14
5. Gate crash a Halloween party wearing a mask.

It's just not looking good.

SAM TAYLOR-WOOD TO MARRY 19 YEAR OLD

2009-10-31T05:28:00.000-07:00

Sam Taylor-Wood has just announced her engagement to 19 year old Aaron Johnson. He is the star of her new film "Nowhere Boy" about the early life of Julian Lennon.

Blimey. She's 42. She only separated from Jay Jopling a year ago.

As a 44 year old divorcee I am VERY impressed and wondering therefore if I could now cope with a 20 year old boyfriend, which would make him only a few years older than my son.

I don't think I could do it.

In fact I think it might just kill me off.

"CARTILAGE PIERCING"

2009-10-30T12:18:00.001-07:00

OK. So moving on from various cold blooded reptiles, the next birthday trauma is that my daughter wants to get her "cartilage pierced". My brain does a quick scan of where cartilage features in the body that's not rude and it turns out that what she wants is a stud at the top of her ear.

I don't really mind. I quite like the look actually and given that I wasn't allowed to have my ears pierced until I was nearly divorced, I'm inclined to take the view that it MIGHT TOTALLY RUIN HER LIFE if I don't let her just go ahead and do it.

We make some inquiries. The woman in the shop (who has two studs at the top of her ear herself) who may just get the job tells us that not only is it incredibly painful but that the pain doesn't go away for a whole year. Then she says that it can hurt when you brush your hair and sleep and you can get infections there really really easily and there is a risk of facial paralysis if you hit a nerve and by the time she'd finished not selling us the piercing I was about to pass out. "We need to go away and think about it" I told her, as I rushed out of the shop in a sweat.

So we did. I decided that it wasn't a good idea and she decided that it was. She and a friend went to our local neighbourhood Claire's Accessory shop and it turns out that we live in the only Borough that has made a rule that nobody is allowed to have a piercing other than in their earlobe. Phew. What a relief.

VEGETARIAN SHEPHERDS PIE

2009-10-30T02:49:00.000-07:00

Dear all,

In the spirit of new vegetarian attempts to save the world, I would like to introduce to a friend of mine's blog....she's just started - be nice to her - can you go and say hello? She'd REALLY love it.

She's big into food and London stuff and great at photos and we're about to work together and her blog is called Jo Blogz

Thank you x

CONGESTION CHARGE RANT

2009-10-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

I am not happy. For the THIRD time this year I have forgotten to pay my congestion charge within the alloted time. I accept that this is my fault and that I am an idiot.

However, this time, when I rang them, I genuinely thought I was fine. It was for the day before yesterday. But no. I have missed my deadline by 10 hours. Consequently I have to pay the full £120 unless I do it quickly and then it gets reduced by half. Big deal. £60.00 is too much to pay when I am only a day late. I think it's really unfair. Outrageous even. I think it should work like a library book. You pay more for each day you are late.

I had a very sympathetic woman listening to me on the phone. I told her that I thought it was unreasonable to charge so much for such a minor misdemeanour - and she apologised and said that if I wanted to contest it I could write in, but I'm sure it's not going to make any difference.

I'm going to have to think about how I compile my letter because her name was "Seman" which could be interesting....

"SINGING THE BLUES" BY CLIFF RICHARD & THE SHADOWS

2009-10-29T01:52:00.000-07:00

Following on from my previous post about Cliff Richard and The Shadows current world tour, here I am continuing with my campaign to help take their new single to No.1 in the UK charts.

It would make the perfect Christmas No.1 - much better than "Mistletoe and Wine" because although that ballad had specific lyrics designed for Christmas - you know - all the usual stuff, "mistletoe, wine, logs, children, fires, singing, gifts, trees, rejoicing etc" their new single entitled "Singing The Blues" is far more relevant to Christmas for most people.

It could be argued that it represents the complication of Christmas in a very catchy can't-help-but-sing-along-and-dance-and-therefore-might-as-well-get-pissed-and-eat-too-much-and-have-a-wonderful-time-with-friends-and-family-and-forget-about-all-your-problems kind of tunes.

Here's some slightly dodgy footage taken from their Wembley performance last week. It's not very good, but you'll get the general idea...pass it on to your mum:-

SPIDER EXPERT REQUIRED

2009-10-28T03:49:00.000-07:00

So the drama of what daughter wants for her birthday continues. No way am I getting a snake after all the comments left - thanks so much to all of you who gave me your opinions. Especially after she told me that initially we had to freeze small mice commonly known as "pinkies" and as the snake gets bigger we apparently move on to "furries". Yuk.

Now we are discussing spiders as the next non-option. I don't really mind spiders either but how big are spider poos? Would a large tarantula make a good pet or are there many reasons why not to get one - like maybe they suffer from mouth infections too? At least if we got a furry one she would have something to stroke.

During a conversation this morning when I was discussing the headlines in the paper about how we should all stop eating meat to save the planet....my daughter said "no, mum, it's not quite that simple, it's only the cows that are a problem because of all the methane they produce. We could stop producing so many cows and it would help hugely. We don't have to worry about chickens and fish".

Then I made a pathetic childish remark about cows farting and she said "actually, spiders are causing a huge problem too - did you know that spiders fart all the time? In a constant stream? So in fact it's when they're not farting that other spiders find it rude...."

....and I'm just not sure whether she's completely made that up or not.

TOP SPINSTER

2009-10-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

I'm back in London after another 7 hour round trip to see my parents. What a stroke of good luck it's been that my private life has gone so spectacularly wrong at the same time that my parents and Grandmother are in need of some extra love and attention.

I have become quite "The Perfect Spinster". I drove down to see my parents. Spent the evening with them. Felt hugely relieved to see that my father was feeling a little better and had found his spirit again. Like many other households around the country we debated the BBC's decision to allow Nick Griffin a platform on "Question Time". My father was all for banning him from any form of public speaking arguing that he was a threat to security and was an incitement to violence, VS me arguing that freedom of speech was essential and that if you believe in democratic debate and challenge and argument then you simply have to hope that most of the general public are intelligent enough to see Nick Griffin for the shallow, bigoted extremist that he is.

We then discussed all manner of things sequeing seemlessly from "Living Doll", (one of the songs sung by Cliff Richard at the concert I'd seen and whether Bruce Welch of The Shadows had written this one in addition to "Summer Holiday" and "Bachelor Boy") to "Living Will" and what exactly that was and I was thinking - is it me or am I getting a bit old? Then we discussed the state of the banks and how quite clearly the whole banking system was going to have to be overhauled. Made MUCH smaller. with more micro finance (makes me think of Monopoly sized banks) and a global approach.

My new sister in law and brother were complete stars. They took my youngest child to my parents early and then he and his uncle had a massive blokey bonding session. They went camping. They set up the tent. Made a bonfire. Stayed out all night. Went fishing for breakfast but ate bacon and eggs instead. All the while my new sister in law and me popped up and down to see if they were both OK feeling hugely relieved that we weren't having to Join In. It looked to me like my worst nightmare to be honest. I just can't see the point. My brother was a little upset with his new wife - "but you told me you LOVED camping" and I said "yes, we all say that before we get married - and if my son hadn't been there I would have added that "we might have even mentioned that we love golf and fishing and blow jobs too. Get over it".

Whilst they cooked revolting smokey tea and ate biscuits, I drove off to perform phase two of my Perfect Spinster impression and spent the day with my Grandmother. In response to my question about how she was she said "I'm fine. I can still breathe and I can move all my fingers"....

She's deaf and forgets that she's said something about every 10 minutes. So you can picture the scene. But. She was so delighted to see me it made it all worth while. She just sat and stared and smiled and told me that I could come any time I wanted and then we sat outside on chairs in the sunshine whilst she found delight in every butterfly and falling leaf that went by. Then two old ladies wandered past that she knows and she said very loudly that she didn't know what they were doing and "don't they look wishy-washy?".

Nurses popped in to give her food and medication. She had no idea who they were or what they were doing there. She kept shrugging her shoulders at me and commenting that she thought she might be in some sort of prison.

However, underneath that slightly muddled layer still lies a solid, strong and clear mind. I think she grasps far more than she gave away. There were certainly lots of moments of lucidity.

In my new Top Spinster role I enjoyed my time with her. It was lovely to sit and grin at each other and not have to talk or answer any questions. She didn't ask me how I was or what was going on in my personal life which was a relief because if somebody asks me that question, I feel compelled to tell them.

I think it might have been because she didn't know who the hell I was. But it didn't matter. To be honest, neither do I.

CHERYL COLE AT NO.1

2009-10-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well. If our average household is anything to go by it's not at all surprising that Cheryl Cole has the fastest selling single of the year with "Fight For This Love". No doubt her album, released this week will go in at No.1 as well.

My teenage son puts her at number one on his list of "Top Totty". My teenage daughter wants to be her - styling her hair in the manner of whatever her latest X Factor creation is. In fact, I'd quite like to be her too. She really is beautiful.

But it was my youngest child that has nailed it. Today as we were driving back from my parents he told me that he had written out the following in a recent Science class.

THINGS THAT ARE COLD:-

Ice
Ice cream
Snow
Winter

THINGS THAT ARE HOT:-

Cheryl Cole.

SNAKE EXPERT REQUIRED

2009-10-24T01:25:00.000-07:00

Does anybody know anything about snakes? I don't want a response from my African blog mates unless you know about house trained snakes - I'm not talking Black Mambas or Boomerangs....I'm talking suburban domestic pet.

My daughter has always loved snakes and is desperate for one for her birthday. I don't have a problem with her having one - I certainly find it a far more appealing option than having a dog because I won't have to pick up it's poo. However, I have consistently said no on the basis that I think it's cruel to keep a snake in a tank, in a house. Especially when there are two cats about.

But. I want to know whether snakes grow to the size of their surroundings or not - or is that a ridiculous question? She's found a snake she likes in a local pet shop:-

"mum, it's just the cuuutest little thing you've ever seen - it's pink and teeny and it wrapped itself round and round my finger"
"I think you're talking about a worm"
"No. It's a Coral Snake but the problem is it grows to six foot".

SIX FOOT? Does it really grow to that size? Am I going to have a worm one day and then come back home another day to find that a giant Anaconda sized snake has eaten all three of my children in one sitting?

Is it cruel to keep a snake in a tank?
Do snakes want to be loved?
Am I mad to even be contemplating the mere thought?

Every time I come to my computer at the moment I find another animal staring out at me. I think she's going for the two pronged attack: subliminal advertising mixed with relentless badgering. She's very enamoured with all the new miniature animals that are popular at the moment - teeny weeny pigs and monkeys. I'm not sure I'm happy about all that weird breeding...she showed me a picture of a cow that has been bred to have huge muscles - it's revolting. The poor thing can hardly walk let alone lift it's head - and all for a bit more meat.

Still. I have to admit to thinking her latest object of desire is pretty damn cute:-

Do you think if I buy her one of those furry toys that you stick on your pencil, she'll be fooled?

CLIFF RICHARD AND THE SHADOWS AT WEMBLEY LIVE REVIEW

2009-10-23T05:17:00.000-07:00

My first job at EMI over 20 years ago was working as a PA to a bloke who has remained my friend over the years. As it happens, his father is Bruce Welch of The Shadows and this was the reason that I found myself standing in his dressing room last night before the Wembley concert talking to him whilst he was only in a shirt.

I had such a great evening and whatever you might think about Cliff Richard and/or The Shadows, their "second comeback tour" is something that should be embraced by the British public as a National Treasure of Magnificent Proportions. They are in the midst of a world tour. A 50th anniversary tour.

This is the first 50th anniverary tour of a British band I believe and therefore we should be giving it legendary status. They all looked great. Cliff seemed pleased that they were all still alive and he and Bruce had a bit of a banter on stage about Elvis. Bruce said "did you know that Elvis sold more songs after he died than when he was alive?" and Cliff said "I'm just not that competitive". I was deeply impressed with the fact that THEY ALL STILL HAVE THEIR OWN HAIR!!! It's amazing. My top tip though, is that Cliff should maybe think of going grey gracefully. That brown colour isn't a good look when you're 69.

But look at this video footage of The Shadows doing their thing...I can't even offer to sort out their hamstrings:-

It's been 24 years since they have all toured together and what fun they are having being back on stage. It just gave me a warm fuzzy feeling watching them all enjoying themselves like old mates.

Cliff has had 14 number 1 singles over the last 50 years. I was at EMI when he was No.1 for Christmas with "Mistletoe and Wine" in 1989. Personally I think the new single "Singing The Blues" would make a far better Christmas No.1 - much more appropriate lyrics (in my case anyway). I think the British public have a responsibility to get it to No.1 for Christmas again. We should show our gratitude and admiration to a band that have played a huge role in our musical heritage. Almost the biggest response of the night from the audience was for "Apache" the legendary Shadows tune PLUS trademark triangular dance. I mean, yes, OK the average age of the audience is 185 BUT rock and roll is coming back and I think they can still teach the younger crowd a thing or two.

Cliff's voice still sounds the same. Warm and velvety like a cup of hot chocolate (or maybe Horlicks?). It didn't really matter that lyrics like : "Tell your Mamma, tell your Pappa, I got a girl like you" sound a bit strange when the person he's singing to is unlikely to have parents that are still alive or that "The Young Ones" is still sung with such gusto for the encore. You're only as young as you feel and their performance proved that they've still got a lot of rock and roll love to share.

We went backstage for a drink afterwards. I talked to SUZI QUATRO!! Can you believe it. She looks amazing. I talked to lots of other musical legends....Hank Marvin, Bruce Welch, Tim Rice and I was thinking, perhaps I can do this octogenarian thing after all...(although I bet they're all going out with 30 year olds).

LIFE IS A ROLLER COASTER

2009-10-22T07:09:00.001-07:00

Last night, I trusted myself enough to a agree to a drink with Builder Bloke. I wanted to make sure he was OK. To get an update on all the injunctions, court cases, police, criminal stuff, lack of work and general shit that seems to be consuming his life of late. I am pleased to report that he seemed, as ever, to be doing pretty well, all things considered.

We had a lovely evening. Laughing mostly. Even with all his problems he still manages to make me feel gorgeous. I've recently had another dodgy haircut (I do that when I'm stressed - try to change my look thinking it will work) - I've got the short fringe and shoulder length hair, sort of like a "bob" but not enough like a "bob" to look like a "bob" if you get my meaning. He immediately said "I love your hair, it makes you look like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction" which made me feel for a fleeting moment like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. Not for long though. He's wrong of course and anyway when I thought about it I remembered thinking that she looked like she was wearing a really bad wig.

Towards the end of any evening with him it always gets a little difficult to remember why we're not seeing each other anymore and about how much hassle it would be if I did and it was then that he told me he completely understood why I had chosen to jump off the rollercoaster. "But" he said, "I hope one day you'll get back on it".

He didn't try to convince me otherwise like he usually does. He knows it's all too complicated...although he did say "can't we just bonk ourselves out of the situation?"

There definitely seems to be a "roller coaster" theme running through my life at the moment.

Firstly there was the poem, read out at my brother's wedding. All about the Grandmother who preferred to be on the roller coaster of life rather than the boring merry-go-round.

Now my mother keeps saying "I don't like the roller coaster anymore, I want to get off". Referring mainly to how ill my father has been.

Then, in my new book group book by Paulo Coehlo I have just read the following:-

"I stood for a long time by the roller coaster and I noticed that most people get on it in search of excitement, but that once it starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop.

What do they expect? Having chosen adventure, shouldn't they be prepared to go the whole way? Or do they think that the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all their time on a carousel, going round and round on the spot.

The roller coaster is my life; life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; it's taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it's mountaineering' it's wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don't manage it".

I get that. Leaving my marriage was scary enough for me. Every day I felt like I was on a bloody roller coaster. I'm sure it's not good for my health. A little bit of both is best I guess in life and presumably, we all need the big scary rides at certain times of our life (usually after an extended health and safety stay on the bloody boring "tea cup" ride of life with small children - otherwise known as a mid-life crisis).

Tomorrow most of the bloggers I went to Disney World with are going on another adventure. This time to Spain. Sadly, I can't go with them. The timing just didn't work out. It's such a shame. Instead I'm going to spend the weekend with my mad Grandmother and sulk.

Perhaps I'll take her to the fun fair or maybe we'll go roller blading.

STIRLING PRIZE WINNER 2009

2009-10-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

The prestigious Stirling Prize for architecture 2009 has indeed gone to Maggie's Centre. The building I wrote about recently - the one Lord Richard Rogers designed that is situated in the grounds of The Charing Cross Hospital in Hammersmith. The building is truly amazing - a calm and tranquil space with lush green foliage both inside and out - a real haven:-

This is very good news for the charity and I am going to put the pictures I took a while ago back up just so that you can see what the centre looks like.

I am on the committee for a fashion show a girlfriend of mine is putting on in support of "Maggie's" in February next year so have a vested interest.

Maggie's Cancer Caring Centres is a charity that provides support, free of charge, for people who have been diagnosed with any type of cancer. The support is also for their families, their friends and their carers. Given that my father is currently being treated for bowel cancer and a good friend is fighting breast cancer, the opportunity to be part of something that is truly making a difference is even more meaningful. Each individual person with cancer has to find their own way through the difficult path of their illness, but they all need information and reliable guidance.

Maggie Keswick Jencks founded the charity with her husband after being diagnosed with breast cancer when she was forty-seven. It was through her experience of living with cancer that she began to recognise that taking an active role in her own treatment, moving from passive victim to active participant was the single most important step in dealing with her illness. She held a profound belief that architecture and the environment could deeply affect how you feel. She also became aware that having been diagnosed, there was no one place or person to turn to to get the answers she felt she needed.

The kitchen is always the heart of the centre, giving it a very homely feel with lots of people sitting around a large table drinking tea and eating cakes and chatting and laughing:-

Once there the support you can receive ranges from one-to-one psychological support, weekly support groups, nutrition courses, benefits and welfare support, social and online support and relaxation and stress management.

All Maggie's Centres in the UK are built adjacent to major cancer treatment hospitals but operate independently of the NHS. Their vision is to open centres next to every NHS Cancer hospital around the country: 5 are in progress in Oxford (this one is being built like a treehouse with wood made by local boatbuilders), Newcastle, South West Wales, Cheltenham and Nottingham. Internationally plans are in place for further centres in Hong Kong, Barcelona and Denmark.

My friend will show her 2010 Spring/Summer Collection and is aiming to raise in excess of £100,000!!

What a difference that will make.

FALSE EYELASHES

2009-10-21T01:24:00.001-07:00

I think the last eyelash has finally fallen out. I now look bald.

They weren't my real eyelashes - about a month ago I commented on how well my beautiful, young friend was looking and she told me all about her new beauty secret. She said the words that I can NEVER resist..."it's the latest trendy thing to do"....

...and so like a lemming off I rush to make myself look just as beautiful as her. But, because I was slightly concerned that I'd look like a drag queen I got the woman to err on the side of caution. I think she must have only stuck about six extra eyelashes onto the corner of each eye. I thought it looked great - very natural but it certainly wasn't going to be a life changing experience.

Nobody else noticed. Which doesn't really surprise me. I met a woman at a function recently who'd had them done and I commented on how great they looked and she was really pleased because nobody else had noticed not even her husband and I was amazed because she looked like she had furry caterpillars stuck to her eyelashes - you honestly couldn't have missed them.

The only person who commented was a friend who said that I had something white stuck on my eyelash and at that point I was too embarrassed to explain what it was - I just looked like I had a bad case of conjunctivits.

I'm not sure if I'll do it again. Will have to be much bolder next time if I do. I think it works best if you're travelling/can't be arsed with mascara. Then it's a really good idea.

VERY IMPORTANT SCAM INFORMATION

2009-10-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

Just received this email from a friend. Thought I'd better forward it on immediately:-

"Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important. Please protect everyone you know by sending this warning to your entire email list.

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do NOT show him your bum. This is a scam!

He only wants to see your bum. I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap".