My arm hurts. We've all had our injections for Africa. Typhoid, Diphtheria, Tetanus, Hepatitis A, too late to have Hep B, too late to have rabies (phew), Yellow Fever hopefully not needed. Unbelievably expensive malaria tablets required....
My 9 year old came over to hold my hand in the Dr's surgery when the nurse suggested that she inject me first. How sweet was that? When the nurse asked him if he was allergic to anything he said "yes, tomatoes and brown plasters" - first I'd heard about either but there we go.
My heart hurts too. I am having a mini crisis brought on by what I suppose could be termed "The ongoing pain of divorce". It never really goes away this divorce pain. It just gets managed for a while, or even sometimes nearly put away neatly in a box on a shelf and then suddenly, BOOM the box falls off the shelf on to the floor and loads of little bits labelled "shattered life exhibit A, B, C" and so on, litter the floor.
I am really trying to come to terms with not just another woman going on holiday with my children, but a particular "other woman". I am trying to work out whether if I was that "other woman" I would have accepted the invitation to go with my new boyfriend and his 3 children on safari. Probably. Why not. My father is not helping by announcing that he is really disappointed she isn't going to be arriving in Cape Town until we have left because having heard from me that she is beautiful he was looking forward to meeting her. Thanks dad - but I know what he is doing really - he's just trying to get me to relax and have a laugh about it and accept that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. But in my current state of mind IT'S NOT BLOODY FUNNY. At all.
When I feel like this it is hard to continue finding the courage to keep going. Everything starts to feel difficult. I struggle to remember why I chose the path I did. Why I didn't stay where I was. I even find it hard to conjure up the image my friend suggested I should think about every time I get a pang of regret "just visualise your ex husband sitting on the loo - that always helps" - the problem with that little mind exercise is that I can't think of one person sitting on the loo that isn't going to make me want to cancel my holiday with them immediately.
Anyway, it could be worse. My ex husband could be going out with one of my best friends. I know somebody who divorced her husband only to find that he got together with one of her best friends almost immediately and now they live together and sometimes she has to look at holiday photos of her children with her friend in close up poses....and that must really hurt.
Another friend has recently not only had to deal with the news that her ex husband is having a baby with the woman that ripped her life apart, but suddenly found the girlfriend was in need of an emergency scan in the baby unit that she runs. How hideous.
Life can be crap sometimes.
But I can agonise or I can simply accept it all and deal with it.
"When a dog runs at you, whistle for him" (although I'm not sure whether that principle will work with a lion when I'm on safari).
Perhaps, in the words of two fine men, I shall simply have to "Let It Be".
John Lennon and Paul McCartney
Saturday, 11 July 2009
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15 comments:
...and so we breath deeply and try and stop thinking about that which we cannot (realistically, less you own a gun and can get away with murder) change, but that which we can accept and choose to concentrate energies of mind, matter and logic to something else..this WILL drive you mad.
How did I miss that you are going on holiday with them too??? It will either kill you or make a man out out of you! Doh!
I'm not actually going on holiday with them...my son is playing rugby in SA and I am going out with my father to see the last game just before we do our research trip to Lusaka. My ex is taking the other two children out there earlier and going on safari elsewhere. Lx
Dear Lu. I read the ENTIRE contents of your blog a while back, before you amended your archive sysyem (and I consider myself lucky to have been able to do so). I literally stayed up all night, when my girls were away with their dad one weekend. I so related to everything you wrote (the bonkers situation re. photos, Amy W's gig at Hammersmith - I was there that night, too! - the complexities of your relationship with Builder Bloke... oh, I could go on & on!) and your wonderful writing made me laugh out loud and cry, too (I had had a few drinks over the course of the evening). I so understood where you were at, then ... and reading your latest, just want to say that I understand where you are now, too.
I hope you manage to have a happy time in SA (it's where I'm from, originally, Cape Town) and in Zambia too, with your dad. Live in the moment. Keep smiling. I know it all sounds so awfully banal, but THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Wishing you strength, sunshine and a very happy holiday. x
OMG "mumplustwo" that is one of the most amazing comments I have ever had....I can't believe you stayed up all night and read the whole thing!! (Only Janelle has ever done that before!) and that you were moved by what I wrote....thank you so much and sometimes, it's just comments like your that help me get through the difficult bits because you are so right...this time too will pass and then I'll be in AFRICA - hooray!! How weird that you are another African connection!! Thank you Lx
And I too, am another African connection, and also read your entire blog in one sitting, before any archiving, but could not put it quite as succintly as Mumplustwo has. I fear it may be rude, but I'm going to say it anyway... ditto.
I live here in the City Beneath the Mountain, where you will be, and all I can say is this... I hope that we have one of our gorgeous crisp blue sky days while you are here (it's touch-and-go at this time of the year, but I'll have a word with The Weatherman). Go up to the top of our mountain (walk, or, if you don't feel like it, take the cable car) and breathe in the beauty, and the huge sky. It always helps me realise the scale of things.
And, well, Africa just lets you breathe. Properly. Have a wonderful trip x
Thanks Shiny!! How lovely to have you too as a blog mate - and yes, you are right, perhaps big wide open skies and the smells and light and sounds that might take me right back to when I was three is just what the doctor ordered....
What clothes do I need to take? Is it cold there at the moment? Lx
Today, we are shivering and whinging and I'm huddled by my heater - but we're African, so that means it's about 15 degrees centigrade (maybe 11, now it's nightime). Not sure when you're coming, but weather forecast has rain and early teens degrees until about Wednesday... Good vest, rain jacket, smile... you'll be good to go.
Lungsfull of fresh African air, Yey x
I'm new.
Also S. African - Cape Tonian actually.
And I haven't read all your posts yet but feel inspired by Shiny and Mumplustwo to do so soon.
But I have been moved by what I have read.
And can I agree with Shiny - let the hugeness and beauty of Africa work her magic?
My hope is that your whole paradigm will shift while you are here.
Thanks Shiny for weather report - we're not leaving until end July so will need another update then!
Hi Allie - what's going on!! Suddenly I have an african blog force to be reckoned with....that's for your comment and yes, lets hope that does indeed happen. Wouldn't that be great Lx
I hear ya sister. And I'm 5 years now still going through the whole divorce thing (not even legalised in the courts due to the bloody laws here). Sometimes I plod along and then BAHM something will happen and I feel like I'm back to square one. I'm sure there must be an end to it all somewhere, surely there has to be. I know so many that have gone through it and come out the other side, so hey, there must be hope for us yet.
Hang on in there. I'm sure some day we'll be reading each others blogs full of wonderful new lives that we have built for ourselves.
xx
I loved your description of the box falling off the shelf...my little boy is on holiday abroad with his dad and his dad's new girlfriend.. just when I thought I was 'all better'...Solidarity! (or something). I've just found you and added you to my blog roll.
ya see darlin'? you are BRILLIANT and loved by all....thinking of you. SO damn hard but you'll get over this hump like you have all the others: with humility, humour and grace. the ex has SO lost out...XXX j
SO know what you mean about the boxes! Well put. And that shed looks fab! Quite feel like moving in myself ...
Hey - I'll be back in SA (CT this time) at the beginning of Aug. Are we going to overlap perchance?
Just found this at Half mum half biscuit... You are ahead of me in the divorce procedure but this weekend a friend asked how I would feel in similar circumstances to that which you have just written about. It really made me think. A lot.
I initiated our divorce, but I think you are right about the box on the shelf, I have already felt it topple once or twice.
Thanks for writing this and sharing, nice to 'meet' you :)
Sx
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